"It seems the gift of being present is actually wanting to take care of myself on all levels..." ~excerpt from my journal
What a wild adventure these past two weeks have been! By the time my usual day to post last week had come and gone without so much as two seconds to rub together, I made the sanity-saving choice to take a break from a week of writing this blog. Another reminder that this isn't about perfection, after all. My meditations had still been done daily but not tended to with the single-minded focus they deserved. It was clear that what I needed was to rest, regroup, take time to dive deeply and with patience, wait for myself to resurface.
I often think that Life is a ride on a pendulum. At times we're required to move far outside of ourselves and at others, we're required to move inward. The holidays for many of us are one extreme of the ride where we find ourselves so far outside of our comfort zone that we can hardly wait for the moment to arrive so we can crawl back in. I had signs -- and hopes -- that I wouldn't get that frazzled this year, what with regular meditation and all. In hindsight, I do realize that it helped a lot -- but instead of not arriving in frazzle-ville at all, it just took me much longer than usual to get there. Rome was not built in a day.
What I noticed as well is that when the opportunity arrived for me to move inward, I didn't need to go so far in...or at least not for as long. Was continuing all the while with my meditations, regardless of how short they might have been, keeping me on an even enough keel that I rebounded faster than I would have normally? Perhaps even the smallest amount of effort allowed for the pendulum ride of my life to become a little more equalized, a little more balanced, a little less extreme. Or at least for the extremes to be a little less lengthy.
Developing this new kind of relationship with presence, one in which I recognize its impact and can see its value and its place, is just inviting me to go deeper. To realize that every moment matters -- even the chaotic, completely-out-of-my-comfort-zone moments. Knowing now that whatever I have to give is enough -- provided that I'm being honest with myself about what's available -- frees me up to want to give more. As I reflected in my journal, it does seem that the gift of presence is in the wanting to take care of myself as much as I can, in whatever ways I can. We can go through the motions -- which is what I kept fearing I was doing during the wildness -- but perhaps it is the wanting to keep on that sustains us on our ride until less turbulent times arrive.
And so I approach the new year with a renewed energy and passion for the project, fully trusting that through this journey of discovery I am venturing ever closer to a familiarity with my heart that already has affected my life beyond measure.
What passion do you bring to your 2011?//